Funny things that trigger us, don’t you think? It never fails to startle me a bit when I recognize both a trigger, and its roots, without ever having consciously thought about it before.

Yes, as you may have guessed from the title, my kitchen counters are an emotional trigger for me. My kids would tell you that they warned their friends not to put a glass down if they intended to use it again. If you set it on the counter, they would say, “she’ll have it in the dishwasher before you even know she took it.” That is true. I certainly have some decorative items and some small appliances on my counters but seeing things there that don’t belong gets an immediate reaction from me.

I realized that this week especially. We had a lovely holiday celebration and I cooked for days. Not just all of Sunday but every evening after work and then another full day, getting everything ready. After shopping last weekend, I had the key things I would need at the ready, all neatly stacked on the corner of the counter.

I knew I was about to use them and so, they did not make me too crazy although I felt relieved each time I used an item and either threw away the packaging or stored the remaining ingredients.

But, as I finished cleaning up from the holiday meal, and wiped off the counters, I realized that the sight of those empty counters gave me a sense of peace. It was not that the clean up was done or that the evening had been a success, it was that clean counter, with nothing on it that shouldn’t be there, with the sense of knowing that it was just the way I wanted it to be,

Even I thought that was a little crazy, a little bit of a “shake my head” moment. My closets, despite my good intentions and frequent re-organizing, could give a closet organizing professional both a migraine and a long term assignment. My husband jokes about not knowing just what it is in the trunk of my car (although the inside is pristine) and my drawers are an organized but jumbled mess.

So, it surprised me a bit to feel an overwhelming calm to see the counters clean, to have a sense of everything being in its place. And I realized consciously, for the first time, where this comes from and how it triggers me. In my parent’s house, the kitchen counters were always full. There were envelopes and papers and piles. There were dishes in the drying rack, there were boxes of cereal and crackers and the like sitting out. I know that it was an average house and that there may have been few places to store things or organize them. There was no desk for the important papers, no room where they might have been out of sight. There was a dishwasher that was never used and I expect that the cupboards were not big enough for all the boxes.

Yet, the clutter made me anxious. It made me uncomfortable enough that I more often went to my friend’s homes than had them to mine. It seems to me now that the ongoing tension of my childhood home was symbolized for me by that kitchen and its chaos, and that keeping my counters clear is really about my need, as a friend of mine used to say to “clean up your house, clean up your life,” which was her recipe for managing stress.

Another friend of mine keeps a photo of herself as a little girl on her phone. And, while I have never been a big believer in talking to my “inner child”, there are moments when I think that I should tell the little girl I once was that, even so many years later, that I finally understand. I should tell her that I realize we must recognize and acknowledge our pasts in order to continue to fill our full hearts.