We are about to go on vacation, 10 days with dear friends on a European river cruise. Sounds idyllic, and I have no doubt that it will be just that. We will see new things, visit new places and, as we always do when we are together, laugh a lot.

The trip is not the issue. Getting ready for the trip is not the issue. Packing the suitcase is not the issue. The issue is, of course, me.

I have been making lists for weeks. I have revised lists in my head in the middle of the night. I have piled choices on the bed in the guest room and tried on various combinations of tops and pants, counting carefully to make sure I have what I need and a little extra for the “what if” that inevitably occurs.

Packing for daytime adventures is easy. What’s not been easy is packing for evenings on the boat. I realize that there are a couple of reasons that this is the case. The first is that my daytime clothes are like my work clothes. I very clearly know who I am and how to play that role.

But, the evening me is a different persona, with a role that is not defined, in a setting with people I don’t know. Regardless of the fact that these are strangers I will not see again, and despite my best efforts to tell myself that no one is paying attention if I wear the same thing twice, or if my shoes aren’t exactly the right ones with the dress I have on, I cannot stop thinking about how my choices define my identity, define who I am. I say out loud “No one is going to care” but I know I will. I know that it will bother me if I don’t meet my expectations and so, in truth, that is what matters.

What a silly thing to make yourself crazy with, the dictionary definition, I know, of a first world problem. I don’t need to dig too far down to know that I learned this as a child, that my dad valued his appearance and ours and made sure that we met the standards he set. And, as I reflect, it also seems to me to be a part of a woman who has spent a lot of years in leadership, years in which she has sometimes had to fight to be taken seriously, had to look the part in an effort not to be overlooked.

I know that caring about my appearance has become a hallmark of who I am and, that, for good or for ill, I am not, and will never be, the person who pays no attention to her appearance. I am not the person who goes out on the weekend in sweats and no makeup. I’m the one who loves to shop, whose closets overflow, who is her own biggest critic and, of course, her own fashion police.

There are many more important things in my life, working to make a difference, being close to family and friends, supporting and promoting the causes I believe in, helping others and more. All of that, and more, take precedence. But, when I focus on who I am and what matters to me, I recognize how much my sense of self is reflected in my mirror every morning and is reflected in the suitcase that is ready to be closed. I recognize, as well, that accepting this as part of my core is another way in which to fill my full heart.