Values—we all have them, we can probably name and claim the ones we hold dear. But when asked to take part in a values exercise, and determine which three of the ones presented are most likely you, it requires a deeper look inside. Which qualities best express who I am, what resonates with me and how I try to live my life? I didn’t have too much difficulty with that part. I understand, I think, those characteristics that define me, that reflect my priorities and my interactions.

No, the hard part was determining which value was the one that I felt I needed to work on, the one that is challenging for me. There were lots of options that I could have chosen. Order was one that fit as, while I crave order, I am often the epitome of disorder. Equanimity was another. I won’t ever claim to be the even keeled person in the room. I work hard to assume that persona but I know that, inside, I swing like a pendulum from one extreme to the other.

Clearly there were many words, many values, I could have chosen as ones I am striving to incorporate more into my life. The one that stood out the most for me was the value of truth. I know it seemed to others around the table to be an odd choice for me. I pride myself on being honest and, especially, providing clear and truthful feedback to others.

But I know that I can, and do, hold back the truth, especially in personal situations where I think it may cause conflict. I know what I want to say, I know how I feel, and I keep it locked inside.

As I reflected on that, I see the roots of it in my socialization as a child. I spent much of my childhood as the peacemaker in my family, the go between when my father would subject Mom to his not infrequent silent treatment. I wanted everyone to get along, for life to be calm and free of tension. I still do. And I realize that this desire to “make it all okay” causes me to not say things that are difficult, to not always speak my truth, especially in my personal life. I have seen, and lived with, the ramifications of conflict and my drive for peace takes hold, trapping my feelings, and my truth, deep inside.

Can we share and live our truth when it may cause distress in others? Can we find ways to be honest without hurting or upsetting people we care about? I don’t know but I do know that I want to make that effort, knowing that living in truth is another key way to fill my full heart.