There are times, more times than I wish there were, when the only way I can describe how I feel is jangly. It’s as if all my nerve endings are jumping and I can’t settle. I repeat my oft-used mantra of sorts, “slow down, calm down” but the words are not enough to help me achieve the state of peace that I’d like to have. I know that a lot of that stems from feeling as if I have too many things to do and a concern that I won’t get them all done (even though I know I will) or done to the level I want them done.

I suspect that I am not alone in that feeling this time of year, that many of us feel a compulsion to try and do it all, be it all and be as perfect as possible in all of our endeavors. We set expectations for ourselves that are likely far higher than others would set, and we either push ourselves too hard to reach them or we don’t quite get there, and beat ourselves up over it. Either way, finding “joy” in the season feels not just inaccurate, but ironic as well.

How do we find ways to bring joy into a season of holidays and family and giving? How do we take a step back from the pressure we put on ourselves—to buy the perfect gifts, serve the perfect meals, bake the perfect, varied and endless trays of cookies?

There are those in our lives who would say, simply, just don’t, just let it go. But, for many of us, that is not just easier said than done, it has the ring of impossibility. We are who we are, after all. You could ask who would notice if we did less and who would care. But, the truth is, we would notice and we would care.

So my goal, and challenge, is to redefine my own definition of self and to set boundaries on what I expect of myself. We’ve all heard it said, “If this were your close friend, what would you say to them?” I know I would tell them to go easier on themselves, to focus on what matters, to be as kind to themselves as they are to others. It is no small effort to do that, it is no small effort to accept ourselves with love and not criticism. Yet, I realize that it is what we must do if we are going to continue to fill our full hearts.