What would you do if you were not afraid? What would you do if you truly believed in yourself so fully that you were not at all concerned about the opinions and judgments of others?

We spend so much, or maybe we waste so much, time in our lives questioning ourselves and wondering what others might say. I can’t do this because what if I think it is a good thing and other people judge it harshly? What if they say critical or even unpleasant things to me?

It is so easy to remember every negative experience in our lives. Many of us can chronicle them from childhood and beyond. The criticism that cut us to the quick or the scornful “What makes you think you can do that?” We share our idea or our dream and someone shoots it down and we believe them rather than ourselves.

But what if we learned to take a deep breath and push the negative thoughts away? What if we worked, consciously worked, to not care what others said or thought about things that matter to us?

It’s a struggle I have had for a long time, to not worry about what another’s reaction will be, not to let the fear of failure or criticism get in my way. In truth, I still have it. I question my own abilities and, in doing so, I undermine my potential. I don’t find this in my professional life, where I feel quite secure in my knowledge and direction but I find it in the personal work that I long to do, the work that makes me feel far more vulnerable.

So many of us have “old tapes” we replay in our heads. People in our lives who have not been supportive who have even, perhaps, scoffed at our desires, plans or ideas. We hold those messages close, using them to self flagellate, using them to further shake our already tentative confidence.

Letting go of all of this is no small feat. It’s been ingrained and socialized and become part of us in many, too many, ways. There are lots of exercises out there intended to help, from writing letters we will never send to confront the naysayers to writing to our younger selves to change the narrative. Daily affirmations, exercises in mindfulness—all are ways to reframe and encourage.

What I have come to believe, most of all, is that the negative messages will not disappear, the fears will not suddenly vanish in response to our letter writing or positive words taped onto our bathroom mirror. What I have come to believe is that we need to look at our doubts and realize that they don’t matter. We have to confront our fears and recognize that we are stronger than they are, that pushing past them is the only way that we will achieve that which we need to achieve and the only way that we can truly fill our full hearts.