If you asked me, I would tell you that I am a person who believes strongly in forgiveness, that we have to have understanding and we have to let go of things. But, when I take a long, hard look inside, I know that’s not entirely true. And that may be an understatement. I certainly believe that I am capable of forgiving but I also know that forgetting is something else entirely. Holding every negative moment, event or interaction is something at which I am very skilled and I don’t let them go. I can dredge them out of my memory with no effort and play the tapes on repeat.

Forgiveness is on my mind because I have been doing some journaling with writing prompts and today’s was to write a letter to someone and ask for forgiveness. It’s not a letter that had to be sent but a letter that allowed you to think about from whom, and why, you would ask forgiveness or to whom you would grant forgiveness.

I immediately realized, as I picked up my pen, that the person I never grant forgiveness to is me. I may hold memories from others but my frustrations, disappointments and anger are more often directed at myself and the ways in which I have let myself, or others, down.

Don’t get me wrong. There are things I know about myself that are positive and about which I feel good. But there are many ways in which I think I could be, should be, better. Like all of us, I know my flaws and failings intimately and, like may of us, I don’t always strive to change those behaviors that disappoint me in myself.

In the end, I wrote three pages of “I forgive you for . . “ and there was a certain element of catharsis in that. But I know that forgiveness is not enough. Forgiveness is only a word. Accepting myself for who I am, in my imperfect entirety, is much more important. And really allowing myself to decide where I want to change and making that change, is what really matters and how I will fill my full heart.