Likely one of the most recognizable lines from a book or film, right? “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” served as Rhett Butler’s dismissal of Scarlet O’Hara in Gone With the Wind. I’ve been thinking about those words and thinking that it would be a gift if we could each use that line—and mean it, when the circumstances warrant.

Unfortunately, though, many of us—myself included—manage to give a damn about pretty much everything. We worry about everyone else’s feelings, we revisit interactions and situations that did not go as planned, we stress over difficult conversations and we hold on and on, even long after the moment has passed.

There’s no question we all know that this isn’t healthy behavior. Letting anything and everything get to us takes its’ toll on our minds and our bodies. The ability to recall negative interactions far exceeds our ability (or desire?) to recall the positives. We beat ourselves up—and we don’t let go even when we know that we should, even when we tell others that we’re “over it” or that “it doesn’t bother me.”

How do we get to the point where we truly don’t give a damn? How do we learn to let go? It seems to me that the first thing we have to do is to decide where we want the power in our lives to reside. Do we want to hold our own personal power or do we want to give someone else the power over us? When we allow someone else’s feelings or a negative comment or interaction to haunt us we are giving away our power, we are letting someone or something outside of ourselves have control.

It is no easy feat to reclaim that sense and sanctity of power, especially for those of us who have been socialized to put other’s needs and feelings above our own. Yet if we are to be whole and healthy and strong, it is, I believe, an effort we must make.

When the tapes of those moments and interactions begin to replay in my head, I am working to tell myself to let them go. I will not pretend that they didn’t, or don’t, matter to me but I can choose to release them, I can choose to push them aside and know that, by choosing, I am asserting my power.

We are stronger than we know. We can be whole in ourselves and our power and in our full hearts.