At this point in the year, as defined by the Jewish faith, we are in between Rosh Hashanah (literally the “head of the year”) and Yom Kippur (the day of atonement). During the past 10 days, often called “the 10 days of awe,” our opportunity is to examine the year we have had and to make right any wrongs before the new year truly begins.

It is a custom, at this time of year, to focus on repentance, to acknowledge those acts you have committed that have, knowingly or unknowingly, hurt others and to, as much as possible, ask forgiveness. For many of us who have grown up with this tradition, the apology for hurt is often both routine and broad, covering any and all circumstances with a simple request to be forgiven. It is a practice, an expectation, a tradition and little more.

Yet for those to whom the request is made, the situation may not always have been so simple or benign. It may be that they were, indeed, troubled or hurt by someone else and that the request for forgiveness is one that requires both reflection and decision.

Are there actions that cannot be forgiven, incidents that will not fade away, words that forever linger in our memories? Can we summon up forgiveness for pain that is too profound, for someone else’s choices that violate our trust irrevocably?

Forgiveness often requires much more of the person who is asked to forgive than the one making the request. For the person who has been wounded must now decide whether they can let go of the pain, whether they can see the relationship and the individual without the memory of the hurt coloring their vision.

I have come to realize that forgiveness is more about ourselves than the person who is seeking it. Can we find peace within ourselves? Can we let go of the pain that haunts us and, even when less raw, lingers in the recesses of our mind? The truth is that forgiving is showing ourselves grace, not accepting what the other person has done but realizing that we cannot let it have power in our lives.

I forgive you, to me, says that I am working to let go of the anger and the pain associated with that which has occurred. It does not mean that I have forgotten. It does not mean, in some cases, that our relationship or trust are what they once were. But it does mean that I have chosen not to let negative emotions hold sway in my life. It does mean that I am approaching forgiveness as I try to do all things—with a full heart.