So often, we go through life making choices and decisions, acting and reacting automatically. We don’t stop to think about why we do what we do or where it comes from. We are who we are and this is what is natural to us and for us.

We may not see it as relevant to understand where our behaviors come from and, in truth, often it may not be. But there are times when I think that digging a little deeper into one’s self is beneficial. At least, it is for me.

I did not realize, or recognize, for a long time just for how far reaching the patterns of my childhood were and are. My mother was calm and quiet and steady and my dad volatile and, in a word, difficult. And I fell into the frequent role of peacemaker, or maybe attempted peacemaker is more accurate.

I carried those patterns into my adult life, not even seeing them. In difficult moments, all I have ever wanted to do was create calm. The desire to “fix it” and keep things calm is so ingrained in me that, at times of conflict I can literally feel a singular focus in mind and body, all intent on “making it okay.”

Does that make me conflict averse? You bet. I have never liked conflict and I am sure that I never will. And yet, as a leader it is something I have had to learn to accept and manage. It has not been easy. It is not at all in my “comfort zone” but I know it is necessary and I know when it is necessary.

I often say that I wish people would “come to work, do their job and go home.” And even I can hear the desire to keep things calm in those words. But the truth is that life is not like that and neither is work. The more apt phrase, that I also use, is that to make an omelette, we have to break some eggs.

I think that as leaders (and as human beings), we need to respect one another’s ideas and preferences and emotions and behaviors. But I am completely certain that we have to draw lines and hold people accountable. If your particular desires, as an employee, are in sync with the needs of the organization, that’s great. But when they are not, change is inevitable and conflict may be unavoidable.

There are lots of ways to break those proverbial eggs, right? We can hit them hard, we can tap them gently, we can fling them against the wall in frustration. But as we break them, in pursuit of the desired result, I think it behooves us to remember that these eggs, the people they represent, have fragile shells as well.

Confrontation with kindness is possible, Calm approaches to difficult situations and challenging conversations do exist. We can’t avoid these moments, we can’t sugar coat them or wish them away. But we can at least try to find an approach that strikes a balance, that addresses what must be addressed while remaining true to who we are.

Are there times when these conversations are heated and in the moment? Of course. Are there people who will throw back hostility in the face of our attempted understanding? Absolutely. Yet I know that, for me and perhaps for you, to be able to live with myself, I have to try. While I cannot and will not compromise outcomes, I have to acknowledge and listen, always, to my full heart.