We have all heard, and maybe used, the expression “forgive and forget.” I will be the first to tell you that I’ve often said that I can forgive but I can never forget. But that is not really the truth. While I don’t forget, I have also not truly forgiven, or made any effort to forgive, in so many instances. I can provide an exhaustive recounting of just about every negative comment, every upsetting event, and especially every unresolved disagreement that I’ve experienced. Let me also say, right at the outset, that this total recall of difficult moments is not a characteristic that I think is good or admirable. But I also know that this is who I am.

That is not to say that I am wallowing in a world of negative thoughts or memories. I have a far larger share of positives that I hold and cherish but those tough moments, these unresolved issues, stay with me. I know that, when I am hurt or angry, that I can and do put up a wall that is hard to scale, much less break down. I go into my tower, climb the stairs and ignore any attempts to get me to see things differently.

What I have slowly come to realize is that there are times when the walls need to come down and the doors need to open, especially when these walls have been built to shut out people who have mattered, and do matter, in my life. It is more important to recognize the good of the relationship, the value of the connection, than holding onto that nugget of anger, justified or not, that has existed.

That does not mean that the initial hurt or disagreement did not happen. It certainly does not mean that all is forgivable. Frankly, it just is not. But there are things that, over time, I need to let go. There are people that I have shut out that I want to, at least, open the door to and there are relationships that matter that I don’t want to lose.

We all know that life is short and life is fragile. As I often says “life changes in the space between one heartbeat and the next.” And while I will likely never lose the compendium of hurts that I hold, I truly do want to work on forgiveness, on understanding, on rebuilding. In this way, I know, I can build and strengthen my full heart.