Since childhood, in truth I suspect since birth, I have been one of those people who only has one speed. Acceleration happens fast and deceleration doesn’t happen. It never has. I am happiest in motion, mentally and physically, and find it hard—if not impossible—to settle down in any respect. My mother’s most oft-repeated expression to me (with an increasing element of exasperation) was “Can you please light somewhere?” I have often thought that she meant it as if I were a butterfly, flitting from flower to flower although, as I reflect on it, I was probably more like a bee, incessantly buzzing around her and anyone else in the vicinity.

I’m the person who fantasizes about the beach vacation and even says that I just want to “lie in the sun,” properly coated in sunscreen of course. The truth is that, once I get settled on that longed for lounge chair, I last about 30 seconds before I ask “What shall we do now?” In a nod to self preservation, though, I have learned to be well armed with enough books on my Kindle to entertain my restless self.

So here I am, recovering from back surgery, and finding my essential nature to be a bit at war with what I know to be the right thing to do, the right approach to take. I am allowed to walk so, of course, 10,000 steps is just the first barrier I feel compelled to break daily. I want to do the things I normally do so I find myself doing things I know I shouldn’t (like bending and lifting laundry) because my sense of “must” is stronger than my sense of “maybe not such a good idea.”

It’s all well and good until the body asserts itself and says, quite insistently, that you have to back off. Maybe 15,000 steps, three loads of laundry and getting back to driving my car in one day was more than I should have done. Maybe the fact that I felt fine while doing all of that was the brain pushing the body farther than it can go and maybe the way I feel today is exactly what I deserve!

My personal mantra is always “slow down, calm down” and I have learned to cultivate a persona that looks calm and patient and controlled. But, at times like this, the real self is primary and I am, as always, both myself and, sometimes, my own worst enemy.

We learn about ourselves in so many ways. And, more often that not, we ignore the messages. To truly live, to truly embrace our full hearts, we have to remember to listen, not just to others but also to ourselves.