I have never quite been able to figure out where my personal “off” switch is, physically or mentally. My mother’s most frequently used expression with me was “Would you please light somewhere?” She didn’t mean that in the “shine your light” sense but rather in the “please land and stop moving around” sense. Stillness has never been one of my qualities.

In the same way, my mind is always running, racing, going around in circles but never quiet. In the middle of the night, when I can almost feel the wheels that won’t stop turning, I try to focus on pushing the thoughts out of my mind, visualizing them physically dividing in the center in an effort to find quiet . . . and sleep.

I’ve recognized myself in descriptions of ADD for a long time and that is surely the case. But I also think that, beyond the chemical, our lives are so full that finding a lower gear is hard, if not impossible. We are all accustomed to trying to manage it all—our home lives and our work lives. It seems that everything in life requires 100% from us and we try to meet that expectation. There is no time to stop or even slow down.

We are so focused on doing it all and being it all that, I think, we become addicted to busy, addicted to the pace. I remember vividly being in grad school when my two older sons were 4 and 1. I was working full time and getting my Masters in Health Care Administration in an external degree program. Today I’d be doing it remotely but, at that time, you would do a semester’s worth of work and then go to a center for what I called “five intensely awful days” to finish the course.

When I completed the program after about two years, I had this lingering sense of guilt in the evening after the boys were in bed. I was sure that there was something I was “supposed to be doing.” The nightly work for school had become such an ingrained pattern that it was hard to break.

And that same pattern exists in many of our lives every day. We don’t know how to do nothing, to let go, to relax. We fill the time with “doing” and forget about just “being.” It’s not that we don’t want to unwind, we just don’t know how. I have often longed to sit on the beach and just let the sun warm me. When I do, I last about five minutes before I am asking “what are we going to do now?” Letting go is hard.

Yet letting go is vital for our health and our mental health. Finding ways to calm our minds requires us to stop feeling the need to fill every moment. It doesn’t come easily or naturally to many of us. Maybe it did once but our lives have moved beyond that point and our patterns and habits are, well, our patterns and habits.

How do we break that cycle and find a way to center and calm? It is a work in progress for me, an effort that I recognize and know matters. I think it starts with a recognition that self care is not just okay, it is vital. Our bodies and minds deserve the same level of care that we give to others. We need to push away any guilt about not “doing” every minute and to tell ourselves that taking a break is not just acceptable, it is what we need and deserve.

What gives you pleasure? What brings you peace? If you made a list, I suspect they would be simple things like listening to music or taking a walk. Find those things, define those things and make time for them in your life. Let go of the “should” and let yourself fill your full heart.