There were a lot of behavioral norms drilled into me by my parents. And I passed them along to my children. As I was, they were taught to say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me.” We all learned to be respectful of others, to treat one another with kindness and to remember that “we are all doing the best we can.“

These are lessons most of us have carried into our personal and professional lives. We all know that, as my mother would say, “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” and, while there are certainly moments when sterner words, and firmer tones of voice, are called for, that approach is not—generally—the first one we try.

Yet, I see so many people who seem to have forgotten even the basics of civility. I saw this, repeatedly, while traveling this past weekend. People with raised voices and beyond foul language seem to be the norm rather than the exception. People hitting you with their luggage and not saying a word. I watched a man reach up to take a bag from an overhead bin without waiting to get close enough to it to really grab it fully . He hit the woman sitting below with his bag, resulting in a pretty teeth rattling jolt to the top of her head. He didn’t say a word.

In my professional life, I see this “rudeness as the norm” far too often. In interactions with staff, we often see that, rather than asking a question and listening to the answer, many times there is yelling and threatening and vile language. In truth, not everything is perfect all the time. But these are hard working staff, doing the best that they can, and, instead of being acknowledged for their effort, they often feel abused by the people they serve, or more likely, their families.

I have said, with some seriousness, that it feels as if this lack of courtesy or even basic human decency, has been worse since the pandemic. Is it that people were cut off from human contact so long that they forgot how to interact? Or is it just that we live in a world where people mistakenly think that kindness isn’t necessary? Does it take longer to be polite rather than pushy? Does it cost us anything to ask rather than demand?

I don’t know how we create a gentler world other than to model it ourselves, to practice it in our lives. My mother’s motto was “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.” She lived by those words. I don’t think that’s the right answer either. But I do think we can live in truth and be honest without being destructive. I do think that we can ask before we insist and remember that every human being is entitled to be treated with respect. I do think we can live and work and interact with a full heart.