Someone once asked me what the hardest thing was that I had ever done. I answered, without hesitation, that it was giving the eulogy after my brother died suddenly, unexpectedly and far too young. I was blessed to have a sibling who was my best friend, my confidante, my cheerleader and my support. As children of older parents, we lost both of our parents before we hit our mid-30’s. We had always had each other and, after we lost Mom and Dad, having my brother was my foundation. It was unshakeable, it was my strength and comfort and then, in a moment, it was gone.

People who do not have that kind of relationship with their siblings do not fully understand what this kind of loss feels like or the way it endures. I realize that as I realize how truly blessed my brother and I were to have one another.

Whenever I am with my niece, my brother’s daughter, I am struck by so many emotions. I have loved this amazing young woman since the moment she was born so, of course, I feel that love and pride. I feel gratitude for her being in my life and me having the opportunity to be in hers. And, as you might expect, after our visits I am always flooded with the wish that her father could see her, could know her, could bask in her light.

Now my sweet niece is a mother herself and her daughter is as delightful as her mother. She is a pistol, this little one who has just turned 3, from the precocious words that come out of her to the gorgeous face that is beyond expressive. We had a day with the two of them yesterday and we laughed and marveled and rejoiced in being together.

And as we said goodbye, as always, my eyes were filled with tears. I feel my brother’s absence so acutely at moments like this, I think about what he is missing and how wrong it is for him not to be a presence in all of our lives. In my mind’s eye, I try to imagine that somehow, someway he is with us, that his laughter echoes in his granddaughter’s giggles, that the twinkle in her eyes is the reflection of the one that was always in his eyes, and I find in that some comfort, a sense of continuity that helps to fill my full heart.